I found the girls who had harassed me when I was a teenager.Here is what they had to say - blog
School harassment - if you have been harassed or excluded during childhood or adolescence, you will not be surprised to learn that studies have shown the long -term effects of victimization by its peers.In any case, this is what happened to me.
For decades, I fought against a creeping depression, anxieties and the feeling of being unsuitable and unaccompted, symptoms that have continued despite years of therapy.I will not claim that my mental health problems alone have the harassment of which I was the victim in school, but this experience had a lasting impact.My sickly shyness, my hypersensitivity and the complexes made me an ideal target for harassment and exclusion.
One day in 2019, when I procrastinated at the office, I thought of a girl who had rejected me in 5.I couldn't think about it without hurting.I wondered if she remembered the way she had ended our friendship and if she had regrets.
Suddenly, I had an idea.Why not interview my ex-camarades from college and high school-not only those who had harassed me, but all the girls, the harassers, the harassed and those who seemed to be neither each other-on their livessocial when we grow in Westchester, New York State?The idea seemed so good to me that I put aside the embarrassment that I felt to contact people with whom I had not spoken for 40 years!
Thanks to social networks, it was very easy to find a large number of my classmates.I started by sending them messages describing my project for them and asked them if they wanted to participate.Most answered me immediately.If some said they did not remember very well of these years, others have been enthusiastic and told me that they had a lot to tell.
PublicitéSo far, I have spoken to nearly thirty people and I hope to interview many others.
Sometimes we harass others because you are harassed yourself.This was surely the case with one of the comrades that I contacted and who had tormented me tirelessly during the college.At first, she was reluctant to talk to me.She ignored my first Facebook message, but when I relaunched it, she replied: "Simone, I hope everything is fine for you.It's a bit hard for me to take part in this investigation.I haven't always been nice to you.I'm really sorry ".
I answered and reassured her saying that I interviewed all the girls in our class, and not just her.A few minutes later, to my amazement, I heard my phone ring.It was my former harassment.
"I'm really sorry" she insisted throughout the conversation."" "I swear to you that I am not mean.I constantly think of what I did to you.I don't know why it was you that I chose.At home, I had a rotten life."She revealed to me the trauma she had suffered, and even if I had been able to guess that my classmate came from a difficult environment, hearing her talk about it changed everything.I was finally able to forgive him and, I hope, help him forgive himself.
PublicitéI was surprised to learn that many "popular" girls paid a high price to maintain their position.As an old cheerleader told me, the girls in her band were so petty between them that she grew up by never trusting women."I had no real friend until the age of 43," she revealed to me.
Another woman - whom I found popular, intelligent and very beautiful - had learned very early that "loneliness was not a good thing and [that she should] make sacrifices to make friends".She told me that she was part of a group that had excluded a comrade in 5."I was guilty and I think I thought immediately, and forever, that was my weak point.It was cruel.(…) I always feel guilty, all these years later."Subsequently, she called the person excluded to apologize for having injured him.She told me that this exchange had brought them great relief to both.
I spoke with five women who were very sporty during the years of college and high school.All said that their physical condition had helped them protect themselves from social pressure from childhood and adolescence.Being good in sport gave them self -confidence and dropped the barriers between bands that existed at school because they played in teams that counted members from different groups of friends.
As a woman who had arrived in our college in 3 explained to me, "I believe that as I was a good swimmer, I had some self -confidence.I knew my abilities and it gave me credibility.I was not bored."" "
Another told me a touching story: she was captain of the gym team.She remembers that when she was the teams, there was a girl who was always chosen last. "" "Un jour, je ne sais plus pourquoi, j’ai décidé de la choisir en premier.I still see her smile.It changed me.I understood that winning was not what was most important."" "
My conversations with certain ex-camarades confirmed that many of the girls who seemed to have a lifeless life-and even enviable-struggled like the others.
"" "Je me suis toujours sentie rejetée, comme un vilain petit canard"" ", m’a dit une femme dont j’avais pensé qu’elle était l’une des plus jolies, athlétiques et appréciées de la classe. "" "Je n’oublierai jamais le bal de 5.I was very happy with my outfit.I remember entering and saw this group of girls who looked at me from head to toe and sneered.I felt like the ball stopped and I understood how shifted I was.I thought I was really next to the plate, completely zero.I went to the toilet and cried.Then I called my mother who came to get me.Since that day, I have the impression that I don't know how to dress.»
Talking to some of the girls who had been the victims of the worst harassment was not easy.I assumed that many had chosen to put their childhood and adolescence from a distance and never look back.Despite everything, I managed to find some.
L’une m’a dit: "" "J’ai détesté l’école et ai été victime d’un harcèlement intense.(...) It was only when I arrived in high school that I joined a group of students.I had the impression that we had been cataloged ‘hippies’ and we were carrying the stigma.»
Another remembered having been harassed several times in primary school and college. "" "Ma mère m’avait dit de tendre la joue gauche, mais ça ne fonctionnait pas.I had no way to defend myself and, at this age, the children did not defend their comrades."" " En 3, elle a arrêté l’école et s’est enfuie, pour finalement atterrir dans une école privée où le harcèlement était encore pire. Dans une troisième école, "" "les enfants avaient tous divers problèmes.I became a harassment and I struck them with my hooves.I was excluded and I remember thinking it was the strongest me now.»
PublicitéWhile I was continuing this investigation and began to format everything I had learned, I suddenly questioned my own behavior during these years.I realized that at certain times, I had chosen to take myself for a victim.I know that some of my comrades admired my musical talents, that they thought I was pretty and kind but at times, I was too concerned about my own status to accept their attentions.
I also had to recognize that I had not always been kind to the others.Even if I don't think I harassed anyone, I have certainly participated in gossip and avoided classmates who, in my opinion, risked endangering my little social status. Cela a pris forme dans mon esprit quand deux femmes que j’ai interviewées ont expliqué s’être senties "" "invisibles» à l’école. "" "Je n’étais pas harcelée; je me sentais juste mise à l’écart, comme si je n’avais pas ma place"" ", m’a dit une ex-camarade.Hearing that, I regretted not having stretched my hand to this girl, and others, when I had the opportunity.
The vast majority of my conversations with these old comrades brought me a lot.If some of my impressions have been validated (each person I addressed seems to have recognized the same hierarchy between peers), I realized that others were baseless.Be able to step back and see things from a different angle after all these years showed me that you can never know what is going on in the lives of others.And even if I may have been injured by some people, learn what they lived pushed me to make fewer judgments on others.
This project finally gave me the opportunity to forgive the girls who had rejected me and tormented.After decades of suffering and resentment, I now see them for what they were - teenagers who faced their own trials, some municipalities to many of us, others more painful than I can imagine.
The most important is perhaps that recruiting these women helped me to absorb the lack of confidence and the shame that I had felt for years. Je ne me vois plus comme inférieure aux filles "" "populaires».In fact, my project was received with admiration and enthusiasm by many of the women I was trying to impress so long ago.These changes have given me self -confidence and I now believe in my strength, my courage and my value.In addition, the best image I have of me has had positive consequences on my work, my relationships and my general well-being.
I would not say that this kind of project is suitable for everyone and I cannot claim that others would get the same results if they decided to contact people from their past.For some, drawing a line on the past can be the best way to move forward.Not everyone evolves.Not everyone is ready to discuss what has happened, and even less to apologize.
But, as far as I am concerned, confront me with demons of my childhood had an incredibly soothing effect and that is what I wish for everyone, regardless of what we have been, and people wemade suffer or not.
This blog, published on the American HuffPost, was translated by Claire Bertrand for Fast Forword.
See also on the HuffPost: White walking for Alisha, the dead teenager drowned in Argenteuil
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